Some Thoughts On Long Distance Relationships…

I think it’s really interesting that people are either “long distance” types of people, or they’re not. So many of my closest friends are like nope, could never, not for me, and I’m over here like wow, this is my third time doing this. Not totally sure what that says about me, I guess it just classifies me in the other category. It’s not like anyone wants to live in a different place than their significant other (okay actually I’m sure that could be debated). I know that I don’t, it’s just kind of something that has happened.

I mentioned that this is the third time I’ve been in a long distance relationship, and that baffling fact is not lost on me. Each time for school, once when I was 18, when I was 21, and now again at 25. Even the almost equal spacing is pretty crazy to think about. Coincidence or not, I can say with confidence that each experience has been drastically different, just as each relationship has been, just as that version of me has been. There have been complicated factors that went into the decision in the past. When I was a teenager, holding onto a relationship that would’ve had a much more dignified end if it had ended after high school graduation, I received a built in emotional safety net when I went off to college. My first attempt at long distance was a disaster to say the least, and pretty much everything you’re not supposed to do was done. The second time, I spent the majority of my senior year of college wishing it would be over so I could be back in Chicago, which to this day is a huge regret of mine and continues to serve as an incredibly important life lesson to me.

So what makes this time so different? As it turns out, everything. First and foremost, this relationship and the way I feel is unlike anything I’ve experienced in the past. Looking inward, there is a huge difference between 18 and 21, but the 21 and 25 gap is kind of insane. I went through some really intense experiences that shaped me for the better, setting me on this path of self-discovery and I came out on the other side with such a clear understanding of who I was. I learned how to be alone, I spent so much time with friends, family, developing my hobbies and passions. I decided I wanted to move to LA and get my masters at USC, my dream school, took the GRE, applied, and waited. And I was all set for my new life, no surprises, and then all of a sudden the biggest surprise ever. I really, really, really did not expect to meet him and feel the way that I did after our first date. It was just like this moment of oh, hi, you were always supposed to be in my life and now you’re here. We talked about USC and me moving to LA from the very first night we met, and then when I got in and it was happening, nothing changed. We didn’t really talk about specifics until it was summer, it was just this quiet knowing that in a few months we were going to be in a relationship while living across the country from each other.

Which is where we are now. Ironically, I am no expert at this. I don’t think you really can be an expert at dating long distance, nor should you want to be. You do your best and trial and error to understand what you both need as a couple to be successful, but the distance sucks, it’s hard, it’s something that you endure so it can eventually be over. Being here for graduate school versus undergrad is an entirely different experience; it raises a lot of questions and its forced us to be really open about our future and our plans. There isn’t an exact end date in sight, which is frustrating and a little scary, we just know that we’ll be together and it will have been worth it. I think being in a long distance relationship comes down to just a couple of things: the two pillars need to be faith and trust. Having 100% complete trust in the other person is obviously necessary, but the faith part can test you. It’s knowing that you’re wildly in love with someone and that as soon as you see them things will just snap into place. That’s the hardest but most worthwhile part I think; there really is nothing like the feeling of being reunited. We always say that when we’re together, it’s like impossible to think about how we don’t live in the same place because it just doesn’t feel real. It feels like we’re always together. I think there’s a lot of comfort in that.

The biggest thing for me is for me to just be present for my life here. That means school, making new friends, working on the blog, just taking full advantage of living in LA… A couple of years ago this would have been impossible, and I would have spent so much time wishing I could speed up time. As difficult as it is to have my heart in two places, I really am focused on loving myself, my new home, and my new life. I am so lucky to have a partner who is so supportive of all of those things, and I know that because of this I won’t have to look back with any regrets. I really am just trying to treat this as a season of growth and reap all of the benefits of living a completely independent lifestyle, which I know will only serve us for the better later.

The more I think about it, the more everything comes down to time. Time apart, how much time left until we’re together, how we use our time when we are together. It creates certain pressures and truly has been a huge test for me to just be in this moment, whichever one that happens to be. It has made me reflect on other periods in my life where I felt like I was in a sort of survival mode, thinking “If I can just get to this point in time, everything will be xxx…” This has been such a default for so much of my life, and the problem with doing such is obvious; time is valuable, and once it’s gone, it’s gone. Your happiness isn’t about achieving one thing, and then being happy and complete forever. Happiness and true contentment in the world comes in the little, in between moments just as much as the big ones; it comes when my Spotify Discover Weekly playlist shows me ten of my new favorite songs, it’s when I leave class feeling inspired and like I’ve truly learned something I didn’t before, it’s when I meet someone new and think “they were so cool and interesting!” Just being in LA, in this beautiful, creative, sunny place that makes it always feel like you’re on vacation brings about so many happy, little moments. When I’m driving and get a glimpse of the mountains and a street lined with palm trees in my rearview mirror and just think, wow, I live here.

Being in a long distance relationship, being in a successful one that will ultimately be worth it, is about being in a relationship with yourself, loving yourself and the life you’re living. I know time will eventually bring our distance to a close, and I will be better and our relationship will be better because of this. It took me up until this point to finally grasp this concept, but I don’t have any regrets— as I said before, this one is different, and this is the one where it counts.